The Sick Mind
by Tweek Tweekers
Summary: Welcome to Eric Cartman's mind. Don't forget to pay the admission fee.


My name is Eric Cartman and yes I am a fucked up bastard child. I'm a spoiled, foul-mouthed, ill-tempered, violent, insensitive, arrogant, greedy, racist, rude, hypocritical, insecure, sadistic, corrupt, and manipulative sociopath. I've had some very sick and disturbed thoughts throughout my short life and I've come to the answer that yes I am a sick sociopath that should probably be locked away.

Though I don't agree with everyone's conclusion of me. It's not like I'm the spawn of the devil, even though I have heard many rumors saying I was. No, I'm much more complex than that. There's a reason I am the way I am. There's a reason why I act how I act. There is a reason for my behavior and demeanor towards everything. It's just, no one's ever taken the time to think about it. No one's ever really examined the real Eric Cartman.

If you were to dissect me and take me apart, you'd learn all my secrets and all the things I've been through. You'd learn why I'm so demented and sick. You'd know why I'm so fucked up.

But considering I don't give anyone the authoritah or permission to rip me apart and study my insides I'll just sum it all up in two words. My childhood.

Yes my fucked up childhood is the cause of my fucked up brain and my fucked up problems and generally just the cause of the fucked up Eric Cartman.

I was lied to for almost my whole fucking life. My mom had never talked about my dad. Ever. She never mentioned him and if I would ask about him she would simply change the subject. She'd change it to cheesy poofs or Terrance and Phillip, you know stuff that interested me.

Well then one day I was determined to find out who my dad was. We had a DNA test and everything because well my mom had sex with a bunch of people, yes she was a whore but I'll explain that later. Anyways we had a DNA test but it was actually fixed. The fucking crazy science man lied to me and said my mom was my dad because she was a hermaphrodite.

I believed them. I had doubts but I still believed them and not to mention I was made fun of because of it. I then found out in fourth grade that my mom wasn't my dad but everyone was just lying to me. My dad was actually a player on the Denver Broncos. Yes my dad was an athlete but…he was…a ginger. I KNOW I'm disgraced, I honestly wish I could disown him but it's true. I am half ginger.

Oh god give me a moment…

Well, I also have a step brother named Scott. He was my dad's son with some other chick. He is a ginger, I have a ginger as a brother, even more shame on my family. Though many people wouldn't consider that the worst part of the whole 'dad' situation, many people would consider the part where I murder my own father and make him and his wife into chili then feed it to their son the worst part. I don't. I still can't get over the fact I'm half ginger.

I guess killing my own father is a little fucked up but it doesn't matter I didn't even know him, plus I had to get back at the douche Scott Tenorman he owed me some goddamn money!

Well I guess that summarizes me and my dad's relationship, how bout I talk about my mom. Well she's a whore, a slut, a hussy, a prostitute and a crackhead. My mom will fuck any living thing because she is horny 24/7. Even if she isn't horny, which is very rare, she'll still have sex just so she can get her hands on some heroine or even just some crack. Sex for drugs. My mom is a great role model.

I love my mom deeply though, don't get me wrong. She makes me food all the time, buys me toys I want all the time, takes me where ever I want to go, and does whatever I say. She's practically my slave and I love her for that. Plus if it weren't for my mom having an affair with Jack Tenorman I would of never been born. I'm also lucky she didn't abort me. And she's not a big, fat-nosed bitch like Kahl's mom.

Kahl, oh how I hate him. He's a no-good, greedy, son-of-a-goddamn-bitch jew! Though I can't stand him and he gets in the way of every thing! I can't help but feel my life would be empty if I didn't have him to rip on. I mean yes I'd still have Stan and Kenny and all the other fags in town but no one can really replace that dick Kahl.

I don't have many 'friends'. No one really wants to befriend the fat bastard child. Though I do tend to hang out with Kenny, Stan and Kahl, they don't really like me. They all bag on me for my weight even though I do the same about Kenny's poor ass family, Stan's faggotry, Kahl's jewness and well I make fun of everyone.

Craig sticks his gerbil up his ass. Clyde is a pussy. Token is black. Tweek is a fucking life sized vibrator. Wendy is a fucking hippy, not to mention a women's rights supporter. Bebe is a soon to be whore. Red is a ginger. Kevin is a nobody. Jimmy is like a fucking scratched record. Butters is a little bitch. Dogpoo, well come on this one is self explanatory.

I hate everyone.

Isn't it obvious now? Can't you tell that by living in South Park as a child and growing up here you are bound to have a few issues. I mean no one likes each other and everyone is constantly ridiculed and harassed. We have rapists, child molesters, kidnappers, murderers, child molesting priests and a bunch of other sick bastards running around on the streets.

Also if you live in South Park you are bound to witness a few deaths. I've seen my dear friend Kenny killed over a hundred times. Then again even I have committed murder. Actually I've gotten away with quite a few crimes.

I've assaulted people, I've smuggled illegal Kentucky Fried Chicken, kidnapped Butters, attempted several murders, threatened a few hundred people, almost killed my own mother because she was being a bitch, I've stolen, I've even done prostitution but I was being mind controlled.

Also many people have asked me why I am so racist, so I will clarify why. The honest answer is- it's fun.

I enjoy destroying others self esteem because it's just fun. I especially enjoy picking on Kahl. I enjoy humiliating, beating, emotionally destroying and physically hurting him. It's rather amusing.

I wish Kyle had aids.

I guess my mental health is also an issue. My doctor and one time therapist have stated that I display anti-social behaviors, and also sadism, Schizophrenia, identity issues, gender confusion, psychosis, psychopathic nature, narcissism, and possibly even insanity. My therapist gave up on me after the first session because I drove her into a mental state where she had to be locked in a solitary mental facility. I told her not to interrogate me that son of a bitch.

Honestly though, who in South Park still has their sanity? I can't recall one person.

Plus out of everyone in South Park I'm the most awesome. I'm seriously you guys. I'm the most awesome.

I'm awesome and everyone else sucks balls. That's why when others fuck with me the first thing to do is kill 'em. It's an easy and permanent solution to all my problems.

You have officially stepped into the mind of me, Eric Theodore Cartman.

Don't forget to pay the goddamn admission fee you greedy jew bitches!

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alright that was my first ever Eric Cartman story and I don't know if i portrayed him the right way but I did my best. I'm not as fucked up as Cartman but I tried to put some detail into his life :)

Reviews would be splendid!


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